LOX!

Salmon that has been cured in brine (gravlax) or sometimes smoked (but never inhaled).

Brine-soaked, it can have either a salt cure (Scandinavian lox) or a sugar cure (Nova Scotia lox).

Often eaten with cream cheese on a bagel, regardless of doctor’s orders.

One political candidate from Alaska said that she’d never tried it, but could smell the sweet odor of lox, bagels and cream cheese being baked, wafting over from Russia.

Lox!

Yiddish “laks,” (further research is needed to find out who decided to spell it “lox”) from Middle High German lahs, salmon; Proto-Germanic “lakhs” from the common Indo-European root for fish, “laksos” (salmon), somehow based on “lak,” meaning “speckled.” For example:  Lithuanian “laszisza,” Russian “losos,” Polish “losos” — all meaning “salmon”.

It’s akin to Old English “leax” (salmon), and Tocharian “lakshi”  (fish).

Now go find Tocharia!

Reb Shimshon the Rotund taught that since the linguistic root of “lox” is Indo-European, rather than Semitic, the very first Jew to eat lox was none other than Avraham avinu!!
How is this possible?
The language spoken in Avraham’s home city, “Ur of the Chaldees,” must have been from the Indo-European, rather than the Semitic, family.
According to Midrash ha-Dagim (also known as the “Pescateuch”), it was, in fact, for this very reason that Avraham later insisted that his servant Eliezer go back to his ancestral home to find his son Yitzhak a wife!
Not one single person he’d met during all his years of travelling in what would someday be the “promised land” knew how to make any kind of sandwich using lox – oh, pardon me, “laksos” – and he refused to allow his son’s only idea of good food to be humus and felafel stuffed into a pita, washed down with some nomadic swill.

During the time of King Solomon, the first Israelite merchants went to China. There, they were astounded when the Tocharians (who found them barbaric but endearing) offered them some “lakshi,” served between two slices of hundred-year-old tofu with a shmeer of sesame paste, a few drops of tamari sauce or a dollop of wasabe. They tried in vain to teach the Tocharians to pronounce it “lox,” but finally, in dire hunger, gave up and just ate what they were served.

As we said, the root of “lox” means “salmon.”  Here’s a salmon:

See the speckles? No?

That’s because speckles have become too expensive. Speckle-manufacturers insist that this is due to the fluctuations in the price of crude oil. If it goes up – the cost of producing the speckle goes up, so the retail price goes up, too. If it goes down – the cost goes down, but fewer are produced, so the retail price goes up again, anyway.

And the “Brylcream” advertising? These days, endangered species have to raise money to pay for their own lobbyists. During the current financial crisis, no government bailout is available – unless the endangered species can prove that they will use the bailout money for a private jet, valued at $50 million; or, at the very least, for a $1,500 trash basket.