You are a person aspiring to have faith in a time of personal distress. The mere attempt to do so helps you more than you might know.
But even a person with a degree of faith can be assaulted by fear and worry when a serious challenge arises. At that moment, it might help to remember that faith isn’t “all or nothing.” Sort of like learning to sing or dance, it’s something that you have to keep practicing, even after you’ve become a “star.”
You already have the foundation of a positive, loving view of G-d. Your heart is already open.
I once heard a sermon in which it was said, “Any fool can thank G-d when you win the lottery. A person with real faith thanks G-d when you lose it!”
Now — If G-d is Good, and only Good, can you thank G-d for the challenges you’re facing? Can you thank G-d that there isn’t a man in your life right now, knowing that all this is for a Good that only G-d needs to truly determine?
I said before that you have to “practice” faith, the way you practice singing or dancing if you want to improve your facility with it.
How do you “practice” faith?
One way is by spiritual reading. As an example, I recommend one post on a site that’s filled with positive posts:
Are there books that are particularly uplifting to you? Or sites? Or tapes, etc.?
It’s important to allow ourselves a degree of sadness, unless our contact or awareness of G-d’s Presence in and around us is so full, so complete, that nothing interrupts it. But let’s remember, even Jesus, on the cross, chanted Psalm 22: “My G-d, why have You forsaken me?” (The numbering of the psalm might be different in the Bible that you use, but it would still be somewhere in the low ’20’s). Jesus, and David (who by tradition composed the psalm) before that, allowed themselves expressions of dismay at what was happening to them, without denying that G-d, as King of All, was still there with them. Why else cry out to G-d at all?
I could write more, but I think you get the idea.
How can you build on your faith? Spiritual reading/ Personal prayer and/or meditation/ Calming practices, like yogic breathing? There’s so much more, too!
You can get through this difficult time, especially with G-d’s loving Presence in your mind and heart.