(A sort of journal entry on my thoughts and feelings after the Sandy Hook/Newtown shootings on 12/14/12. It seems connected in its way with Yom Kippur, which has just ended. Perhaps this is also about how prayer can help me/us get through very difficult feelings.)
I prayed about Newtown today.
I started out wanting to pray for the peace of the families. But I found that I first had to bring myself to accept G-d’s absolute Wisdom and Goodness in everything. G-d is King. G-d’s Wisdom is infinitely beyond mine. Even the seemingly “bad” is for an ultimate good that I might not understand.
Then I prayed for the 20 children. I could feel their upset. But I was able to tell them that they’re in a wonderful place, surrounded by Love, Light and Softness. They’re scared, of course. They miss their families, too. I told them that their families would be OK. They’ll see them again. In the meantime, their families want to know that they’re happy and well. Gradually, I could feel them feeling better.
Then I prayed for the 6 adults who died at the school. I began by wanting to pray for their peace, too. But I found myself saying to them that they now are there to take care of the children who are with them, and others that G-d may give into their care. They have important work to do. Their families, too, want to know that they’re OK.
Then, I prayed for Nancy Lanza. It was a short prayer. I told her that she shouldn’t feel responsible. I could feel a bit more peace as I thought about her in prayer.
Then, I prayed for Adam Lanza himself. As I thought of him, a certain amount of peace burst in me. I don’t know why. I asked him to open his heart to G-d. That G-d would give him all the peace and acceptance and love that he wanted. That G-d would love him no matter what; no matter what he’s done. I dwelt on this with him for a while, until I felt that he had begun to open his heart to G-d.
Finally, I prayed for Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold (Columbine). I started by trying to pray for them both, but found myself urged, in a way, to pray for them separately. Dylan was first. I spoke to him in much the same way I’d spoken to Adam. I felt Dylan opening his heart to G-d, too.
Then I spoke to Eric. He was much angrier, at first. But he, too, wants the kind of love, peace and acceptance that only G-d can give him. He seemed to open his heart more by the end of my prayer.
I ended with some prayer for all the families, that they should know their children are happy and OK.
When I was finished — after about 45 minutes — I felt greater peace and happiness in myself. My eyes aren’t teary. My heart had been very heavy. It’s happier now.